Don’t ask a guy what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions. Guys don’t.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they’ll sleep at night.

Knowing is only half the battle. Half the battle never won a war.

I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate. > What’s that make us?

Absolutely nothing: which is what you are about to become!

If Necessity is the mother of Invention, Laziness is the father.

The military is for fighting the enemies of the state. The police are there to defend and protect the people. When the military becomes the police, the enemies of the state become the people.