I cultivate a “blabbermouth” reputation to discourage gossipers from confiding in me.

A “friend” is someone who responds to an inopportune visit by saying “Won’t you come in?” rather than “What are you doing here?”

Borrowing a kid is more fun than borrowing a computer, and I don’t have to fix them afterwards.

No parent has ever said to me,

> My kid is misbehaving. You broke it; you fix it.

Now replace “kid” with “computer”. Yup; heard that one before. Lots.

When and if fascism comes to America it will not be labeled “made in Germany”; it will not be marked with a swastika; it will not even be called fascism; it will be called, of course, “Americanism.”

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.

I value my enemies because they make me better. My friends only make me feel  better.

The closer to the truth, the better the lie. And the very best lie of all is to tell the truth – unconvincingly.

One of the easiest ways to excel is to volunteer for an unpopular job.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

The Japanese have five different ways to say ‘thank you’ — and every one of them translates literally as resentment, in various degrees. Would that English had the same built-in honesty on this point!